In This Series:

• 1. Covenant: The Heart of the Marriage Mystery
• 2. Reflecting Our Relationship With God
• 3. God's Design for Marriage
• 4. Why Marriage Matters for Adults

It’s easy to think that only “other people” get divorced, that your own marriage is somehow immune to heartache. Consequently, you think only others experience infidelity and fights over who gets the house, the car, the dog. After all, how many of us would walk down the aisle if we believed our relationships would end up in divorce court?

Truth is, no relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee. Even men and women who grew up in stable homes are at risk. Further, those who attend church and consider themselves Christians, who promise “until death do us part,” can have it all fall apart.

As Christians, we know that applying biblical principles to marriage will give us a stronger foundation than those of our unbelieving friends and neighbors. Surely we know this, but what are we doing about it? In other words, what makes a marriage “Christian”?

According to author Gary Thomas, we’re not asking the right questions. What if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

Instead of asking why we have struggles in the first place, the more important issue is how we deal with them.

In Sacred Marriage, Thomas has not written your typical “how to have a happier relationship” book. Rather, he asks: How can we use the challenges, joys, struggles and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God? What if God designed marriage to make us both happy and holy?

Cherish Your Spouse, Change Your Marriage

Author Gary Thomas describes what it means to truly cherish your spouse, offering practical advice to help you build a more satisfying and fulfilling marriage. (Listen to part 2.)

Viewing marriage realistically

“We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession,” Thomas explains.

Instead, he says, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together. So, what does Thomas think is the most common misconception Christians have about marriage?

“Finding a ‘soul mate’ — someone who will complete us,” he says. “The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God. . . . If we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.”

Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse or is downright selfish. Despite these imperfections, God created the husband and wife to steer each other in His direction.

Thomas offers an example: “When my wife forgives me . . . and accepts me, I learn to receive God’s forgiveness and acceptance as well. In that moment, she is modeling God to me, revealing God’s mercy to me, and helping me to see with my own eyes a very real spiritual reality.”

Marriage is an other-centered union

It’s easy to see why God designed an other-centered union for a me-centered world. Living that way is a challenge when bills pile up, communication breaks down and you’re just plain irritated with your husband or wife. For those days, Thomas offers these reminders to help ease the tension:

• God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.
• Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.
• God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.
• Marriage mirrors God’s covenant relationship with His people.

We see this last parallel throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to himself as the “bridegroom” and to the kingdom of heaven as a “wedding banquet.”

These points demonstrate that God’s purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. Thomas is quick to clarify that God isn’t against happiness per se, but that marriage promotes even higher values.

“God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. Further,He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence.”

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Serving your spouse

He spends the entire evening at the office — again. She spends money without entering it in the checkbook. He goes golfing instead of spending time with the kids. From irritating habits to weighty issues that seem impossible to resolve, loving one’s spouse through the tough times isn’t easy. But the same struggles that drive us apart also shed light on what we value in marriage.

“If happiness is our primary goal, we’ll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane,” Thomas says. “If receiving love is our primary goal, we’ll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense.”

Couples who’ve survived a potentially marriage-ending situation, such as infidelity or a life-threatening disease, may continue to battle years of built-up resentment, anger or bitterness. So, what are some ways to strengthen a floundering relationship — or even encourage a healthy one? Thomas offers these practical tips:

• Focus on your spouse’s strengths rather than their weaknesses.
• Encourage rather than criticize.
• Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.
• Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.

Young couples in particular can benefit from this advice. After all, many newlyweds aren’t adequately prepared to make the transition from seeing one another several times a week to suddenly sharing everything. Odds are, annoying habits and less-than-appealing behaviors will surface. Yet as Christians, we are called to respect everyone — including our spouse.

Marriages need God’s grace and mercy

Thomas adds, “The image I use in Sacred Marriage is that we need to learn how to ‘fall forward.’ That is, when we are frustrated or angry, instead of pulling back, we must still pursue our partner under God’s mercy and grace.”

Lastly, Thomas suggests praying this helpful prayer: Lord, how can I love my spouse today like (s)he’s never been loved and never will be loved?

“I can’t tell you how many times God has given me very practical advice — from taking over some driving trips to doing a few loads of laundry,” Thomas says. “It’s one prayer that I find gets answered just about every time.”

While other marriage books may leave us feeling overwhelmed, spotlighting our shortcomings and providing pages of “relationship homework,” Sacred Marriage makes it clear that any couple can have a successful, happy and holy marriage.

With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.

The post God’s Design for Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Are you seeking a healthy resolution to your child’s angry cycle ?

The flash of anger in my tween daughter’s eyes surprised me. We’d been camping, and Maddie’s 6-year-old sister, Aly, had just burned her finger on hot ash. As I treated the wound, Maddie strode up. “I hurt myself, too,” she said, with attitude. “Last night when we were making S’mores.”

“Hold on,” I said. As Aly screamed beside me, I tried not to show my frustration. “I need to help your sister first.” This was the first I’d heard of Maddie’s burn.

Maddie’s anger flared. “You always help her first! You don’t care for me at all.” She rushed back to our cabin as I finished bandaging Aly’s hand.

I walked back to the cabin, dreading the confrontation ahead. I could see how the next few minutes would play out: pleas and demands from me, mounting anger and accusations from her. There had to be a better way to manage these cycles of anger. It was making all of us weary, especially Maddie.

Your child’s angry cycle

Once a child is angry, it’s easy for him to stay in a cycle of thoughts, emotions, and physical responses that feed his rage. Here’s what the angry cycle looks like:

1. An event creates pain or distress that sets off the child’s anger. This event can be something another person says or does, or an unmet expectation.
2. The pain triggers thoughts or memories that focus the child’s angry response on another person. For example, he may think you don’t understand his life or that you care more about a sibling.
3. These “trigger thoughts” lead to a negative emotional response. Your child feels frustrated, rejected, fearful or enraged.
4. These emotions cause a physical response, such as a flushed face, tense jaw, pounding heart and clenched fists. As anger takes control, a child finds it difficult to think rationally.
5. Finally, a behavioral response occurs. The trigger thoughts, emotions and physical reaction evoke a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Stop the angry cycle

We often try to lecture our children or teach them a lesson in the midst of their angry cycle — right when they cannot think rationally. Our best efforts at correction will likely not get through when our child is in this highly emotional state; harsh discipline often makes things worse.

This is true of kids of all ages: An emotional, angry teen can’t be any more rational than an emotional, angry toddler. When one of my children is angry, I know I have to first stop the angry cycle before anything else can happen. I use some of these phrases instead of escalating the interaction:

• “I see you’re angry.”
• “I am sorry that happened to you. I’ll be here to talk about it when you’re ready.”
• “I get angry, too. How can I help?”
• “When you’re ready, I can tell you how I handle things when I get mad.”
• “It’s okqy to be angry, but think about how you act next. Make good choices.”
• “I understand you’re angry. But can you try to understand my point?”

When I acknowledge my children’s anger, they see that I’m paying attention. And when I make myself available, my kids can turn to me for help. They do want to make good choices; they just need extra guidance, and they are often grateful for my offer to help instead of simply sending them to their rooms or giving them consequences.

Being available and attentive always works better than simply telling a child to calm down. And choosing the right words in the midst of your child’s angry cycle can defuse the situation and lead to healthy resolution.

Train kids to recognize and wtop their angry cycles

When a child gets angry, multiple physical reactions are occurring inside her body. According to one public health organization, “The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase.”

We can help our kids understand what’s happening inside their minds and bodies when negative thoughts are triggered so that they don’t get caught up in the angry cycle, which can become a habit. We can teach children to recognize and stop their own angry cycles using the three R’s.

• Recognize: Identify the thought that came before the emotion.
• Reflect: Think about how accurate and useful the thought is.
• Redirect: Change the thought to a more accurate or helpful one.

1. Recognize

How can a child begin to recognize trigger thoughts? Start writing a list of trigger thoughts on a piece of paper and review them regularly with your child. Some examples are: “She doesn’t care,” “This isn’t fair,” and “Nobody respects me.”

If your child is unable to identify his or her trigger thought, you can assist by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when you think I’m not listening to you, you get really angry with me.” Try to observe patterns that your child doesn’t yet recognize, and then help him.

2. Reflect

Next, teach your child to check his thoughts. For example, when he is having an intense emotional response, encourage him to evaluate whether the thoughts in his mind are true. When a child learns to evaluate her thoughts in this way, she is better able to change them.

3. Redirect

The next step is to replace the faulty thought with the truth. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Replacing negative thoughts — ones that lead to anger — with empowering thoughts does require some practice. Help your child focus on truth by listing counter statements to the trigger thoughts you’ve written down. For example, “I know Mom loves me,” “God is with me in unfair circumstances” and “I can set a good example for others.”

When our kids learn how to catch, check and change their trigger thoughts, they are better able to keep these negative thoughts from growing into bitter emotions and angry outbursts. As we help them redirect trigger thoughts to truthful thoughts, we equip them to stop the cycle of anger.

Tricia Goyer is the author of over 25 books, including Calming Angry Kids: Help and hope for parents in the whirlwind.

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Anger through the ages

Babies, toddlers, preschoolers and preteens experience anger differently. A child’s response to these emotions begins in infancy and develops throughout childhood. Self-regulation — the ability to calm themselves — continues to develop into young adulthood.

We need to train our kids how to respond appropriately when they get angry, no matter their age. Knowing the underlying causes of anger at each developmental stage can help us identify issues and provide us with the tools necessary to help our children deal with their anger in healthy ways.

Age 0 to 3

Babies cry because they need to be fed, held or changed, or because they’re tired, sick or in pain, not because of misbehavior. When an infant cries, it’s because there is a legitimate need, and as parents, we should seek to lovingly meet that need. Babies also may cry when they sense a caregiver is angry or tense. In many cases, calming ourselves and then tending to our children works best.

Every parents recognizes that young children experience frustration. What might be labeled misbehavior in older kids are often just responses to fear, overstimulation, exhaustion, or hunger. These children sometimes lack verbal skills to communicate their thoughts and feelings, and that frustration can be a trigger for anger.

Ages 4 to 8

For many children in the school age years, their anger triggers involve change. My kids liked to know exactly what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. When I provided them with this information, our days went smoother. These emotions may cause them to scream, pout, hit or throw things.

Help kids attach words to their emotions. Work on these communication skills when they are not in the middle of a meltdown. The better they can communicate and feel heard, the less they will respond to situations with angry outbursts.

Creating routines so kids know what to expect will help to diffuse stress that leads to anger. Helpful routines may include those associated with chores, homework, mealtime and bedtime.

Ages 9 to 12

Preteens are part child and part teenager. Many are experiencing early signs of puberty and hormonal changes that can make them feel irritable. In addition, these children strive for greater independence and they often try to test authority, especially that of their parents.

Preteens can also feel isolated and frightened by all the changes within themselves, their friends and their peers. This can cause emotional upheaval that comes out as anger. Look for ways to start giving kids in this age range small doses of independence and ownership of their lives.

Ages 13 to 18

As they get closer to adulthood, teens continue to feel a need for greater independence and control over their lives. Anger is an emotion that may be triggered by out-of-control elements in their lives, such as trouble with friends, being bullied, stress at school or even a strained parent-child relationship.

During these years, their bodies are going through a lot of changes and hormones are running wild. Teens may want to stay up later, but a lack of sleep can lead to moodiness, which can lead to anger.

The post How To Stop Your Child’s Angry Cycle appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes

Parents commonly ask, “How can I help my toddler learn to obey.”

Toddler obedience might be the most common parenting topic for this stage of life. At some point, every toddler will discover disobedience. And the results might not be pretty.

As a parent, you’re likely wondering how you can get your toddler to just, well, behave again. Disciplining a two or three-year old might feel cruel. But through wise and loving care, you can build a healthy foundation of obedience in your home.

Here a few things to think about and try to help:

• Ask yourself some key questions that might uncover hidden reasons for behavior.
  • Is my toddler fed? Did he or she sleep well last night? Has life been chaotic lately for him? Has she experienced a big change recently?
• Try rewarding good behavior while disciplining consistent bad behavior. For example, when your toddler behaves well, let them place a marble in a jar. When they disobey, have them remove one marble from the jar. Once the jar is full, find a way to celebrate his or her obedience.
• Avoid going for perfection. Instead, be realistic about your toddler’s behavior. Keep a close eye on if there’s a pattern of defiance for rules or instructions.

There’s a good chance his or her disobedience is simply a product of being a toddler. Learning to obey will be a key lesson for the upcoming years of your child’s development. For more advice on this topic, “How can I help my toddler learn to obey?’ check out our parenting resources here. 

The post How Can I Help My Toddler Learn To Obey? appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Children naturally have questions about heaven. Here are some of those inquiries and answers.

Q: Will there be animals in heaven?

A: Romans 8 says the whole creation groans with a longing for the redemption that will be experienced with the resurrection of God’s children (verses 18-21). What else in the creation suffers besides people? Animals. The passage shows that redemption is not limited to people, but that the whole earth will be made new. This may suggest that animals, which lived, suffered and died on this old earth, will be restored to life in God’s earthly kingdom that is to come. They suffered because of our sin, so their bodies will be freed when we receive our new bodies.

Q: Will we have bodies in heaven?

In their questions about heaven children often ask will we have bodies in heaven or will we be ghosts, floating in the clouds?

A: Many children are put at ease regarding their questions about heaven when you explain that we will not be ghosts. No child wants to become a ghost. The Bible says, “We know that when he appears we will be like him, because we shall see him as he is” (1 John 3:2). Jesus in His resurrected body proclaimed that He was not a ghost but that He had actual “flesh and bones” (Luke 24:39).

Christ’s resurrection body was suited for life on earth. As Jesus was raised to come back to live on earth, we, too, will be eventually raised to come back to live on the new earth (Revelation 21:1-3). Teach your child the doctrines of the Resurrection and our eventual transition to life on the new earth, and he will be excited about life after death!

Q: Will we still be ourselves, or will we become angels?

A: Angels and human beings are entirely different creatures (Hebrews 2:5-9). Angels will always be angels and people will always be people. Relocation to heaven includes becoming better humans (Romans 8:23), not nonhumans.

You will be you in heaven, and I will be me. Think about the resurrected Jesus, who did not become someone else. He remained who He was before His resurrection. When John was fishing with some of the other disciples, he saw Jesus on the seashore and said, “It is the Lord!” (John 21:7). So you will still recognize friends and family, and they will recognize you, too.

Q: Won’t heaven be boring?

A: Everything good, enjoyable, refreshing, and exciting comes from God. God is creative, fascinating and anything but boring. Heaven is going to be full of surprises and adventures as we learn more about God and explore His new universe, the restored earth that He has prepared for us. The new earth will have plenty to keep us busy!

Keep Growing Into the Best Parent for Your Kids!

Get personalized parenting help by taking the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment from Focus on the Family! You’re a one-of-a-kind parent. You have unique strengths your kids benefit from, and areas you can grow in. Find out what those are by taking the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment! This assessment will walk you through how you’re doing in traits such as love, adaptability, and boundaries with your child. You’ll get a personalized report on strengths to keep building, as well as ways to improve day by day.

Take the Assessment!

Q: Will we eat and drink?

A: Think about the food you most enjoy. Maybe your idea of heaven is eating that food for thousands of years. After His resurrection, Jesus asked His disciples for some food and ate a piece of fish in front of them (Luke 24:41-43). He proved that resurrected people can and do eat real food. Other Bible verses say that we will eat at feasts with Jesus in an earthly kingdom.

Q: Will we laugh in heaven?

A: Jesus promised we will. “Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. . . . Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven” (Luke 6:21, 23). The Bible promises God will wipe away all of our tears (Revelation 21:4). Heaven will be full of joy.

Do you think God ever laughs? In the Bible, God is said to enjoy, love, laugh, take delight and rejoice.

We were made in God’s image, so we have feelings and express them just as God does. Sometimes now we are sad, but in heaven there will not be anything to be sad about. We will all be happy. We will play because God put into us a love for play.

Only God knows for sure what He plans to do. But we know God loves to give good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:9-11). Since animals bring joy to people, God may very well include animals in eternity.

The post Heaven: Answering Kids’ Questions appeared first on Focus on the Family.

To learn about joy, begin with the Bible. The book of Psalms is full of joyful statements, often created amid difficult circumstances.

Although happiness and joy can be present at the same time, happiness is based on material things or events, such as when a person is given a gift, graduates from college or celebrates a birthday.

Joy, on the other hand, is from God and runs deeper — it can be present even during unhappy times. Do you have God’s joy?

What are you worth?
The world ascribes value to what people own — salary, wealth, power, appearance and fame. As a Christian, you are worthy because Jesus is worthy. God’s love has made you important to Him. Without having to prove yourself, you are free to enjoy your life, no matter your circumstances.

What is important to you?
How you spend your time — reading the Bible, praying, watching TV, playing video games — reveals what is important to you. Reevaluate your actions, and then find behaviors that will cause you to grow closer to God. Growing closer to God is a source of joy.

How big is your God?
When good things happen, you may give God credit for it. When bad things happen, you may feel God has turned His back on you. In Psalms, read how David turned toward God amid crises and was rewarded with joy. Joy comes from knowing God, enjoying what God has done for you and believing that He constantly cares for you.

Do you want your children to catch your joy?
The best way to teach joy is to demonstrate it. If you are obsessed with keeping dirt out of the house or buying things to fill rooms, your children will notice. In the same way, if His joy permeates your life, they will learn to be joyful through your example.

Memory verse

Romans 15:13

Scriptures

Nehemiah 8:10
Psalm 5:11, 21:6, 30:11, 118:24, 126:3
Proverbs 15:30
Isaiah 12:3, 51:11
John 16:24
Galatians 5:22-23

Preschool activity

Use a puppet and this skit to teach your child about joy.

Puppet: I give up! I can’t do it!
Parent: What’s the matter?

Puppet: I can’t keep smiling.
Parent: Why are you trying to smile?

Puppet: I want to be happy all the time!
Parent: Happiness comes and goes. It’s a feeling. Instead of trying to smile and be happy, why don’t you ask God for His joy?

Puppet: Will joy make me smile all the time?
Parent: No. You can have God’s joy when you smile and when you’re sad. It comes from knowing God loves you.

Puppet: How do I keep His joy even when bad things happen?
Parent: Pretend you’re upset because I won’t give you a cookie.

Puppet: That would upset me.
Parent: To feel God’s joy, think about one way God is good to you.

Puppet: God put me in this family so you can take care of me.
Parent: That’s right! Now pretend the rain has spoiled our family’s picnic.

Puppet: Plop! Plop! Plop! It’s raining. (Pause) God made puddles for me to splash.
Parent: Good. (Name of your child), can you help (name of puppet) and me come up with more reasons to say thank You to God? (Have puppet shout words of encouragement each time your child thanks God for something.)

Review

1. Does joy make you smile all the time? (No)
2. Can you have joy during hard times? (Yes)
3. What is one way to be joyful when bad things happen? (Tell how God is good to you.)
4. What is joy? (Joy is knowing God loves you.)

What is joy: School-age activity

Teach your children about joy: Wrap small amounts of money in individual packages, and give one to each child. Encourage them to guess what’s inside. After they unwrap it, help them consider how they will use the money — tithe, save and spend. Then remind them to say thank you.

Explain how God gives people His joy — a daily offering. Ask children to look at joy as a gift.

Anticipate it. Discuss what kinds of gifts God wants to give them.

Unwrap it. Explain how prayer and reading the Bible are ways they can receive joy. Knowing that they are God’s children, that He loves them and that He wants what is best for them brings joy.

Use it. Joy is not happiness but can be in them at all times — during easy as well as difficult days. They can share it with others because God is the provider. Children can show joy through good attitudes, helpfulness and thankfulness.

Thank the Giver. Remind children to tell God “thank You” for daily giving them His joy.

Review

1. What did we compare to joy? (Wrapped gift)
2. People can only have happiness during good times. When can you have joy? (During good and bad times)
3. What is one way to be joyful when good or bad things happen? (Thank God for the good things He has given you and remember He loves you.)
4. How do you share joy with others? (Through good attitudes, helpfulness and thankfulness.)

—Sheila Seifert

What is joy: Tween activity

To teach your children about one aspect of joy, declare one Saturday as New Day. On this day, everything they do should be new. Instead of getting dressed the way they usually do, have them put on their clothing out of order or on backward. For breakfast, serve lunch, and then read them a bedtime story. Continually change things that happen in a normal day so that tweens are anticipating how they will complete their chores and other routine activities.

Some ideas for helping the day feel new to your kids are to walk backward, comb their hair with their arms interlocked, turn a book upside down and try to read it, eat breakfast foods for lunch, picnic at the side of the house, have a laughing contest during rest time, sing a song in reverse, enter the house only by the back door, etc. Perhaps set a timer, and every hour do something different together.

The next day, explain that God’s joy allows people to see everyday things in a new way and even enjoy activities that we don’t necessarily like. Remind them that they can have God’s joy in all they do because God’s love for them brings joy.

Review

1. What does God have for you every day? (God offers His joy every day.)
2. How should you react to all you have to do each day? (You should rejoice in it and be glad.)
3. How does God help you enjoy your day? (You do not know what the day will bring, but you do know that God will direct your steps.)
4. How can a difficult day be a gift from God? (God will use all things, good and bad, for your good. You can find joy in that.)

—Sheila Seifert

Talk with your teens

The story of C.S. Lewis’ courtship and marriage to Joy Davidman was romanticized in the 1993 Oscar-nominated movie Shadowlands. The pair married in a civil ceremony in 1956 so Joy could keep her British residency; almost a year later, they held a church-sanctioned ceremony.

Lewis’ book Surprised by Joy was published in 1955, a year before his civil wedding and two years before his church-sanctioned ceremony. Only after the death of his wife and the publication of A Grief Observed did readers make the “Joy” connection between his wife and this book.

Surprised by Joy was not about Lewis’ spouse. It’s a spiritual biography about the nature of joy, which played a leading role in his conversion from atheism to Christianity. Lewis based the title on a William Wordsworth sonnet.

In his intellectual journey, Lewis expanded the concept of joy to capture and explain his inner longings for God that are universally experienced. He concluded that the reconnection to God and a glimpse of what is eternal exceeded everything else in life.

Review

Consider reading Surprised by Joy as a family to understand one man’s vulnerability to God’s joy. Even if you don’t, discuss the following with your teen:

1. How is joy different from happiness? Since teens may see joy as a surface motion, such as happiness, discuss how happiness is dependent on external circumstance and joy isn’t. Joy is a gift from God and can be present even during difficult times.
2. Who is the most joyful person you know and why? What are some outward signs of joy in that person’s life?
3. Discuss how a positive outlook and encouraging words are sometimes an extension of God’s joy. Emphasize that people who try to force themselves to be happy all the time do not necessarily have God’s joy.
4. How can the power of God’s joy change your life? Brainstorm ways that God’s joy can bring hope and peace to your and your teen’s life.

—Sheila Seifert

The post What Is Joy? appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

As a parent, watching our kids suffer is one of the hardest things to endure.

That truth never changes, even when our children become adults. One of the most difficult paths I’ve ever walked was with my adult children as they dealt with tragedy and grief. The pain of loss is familiar—we’ve all faced loss and tried to be supportive to others dealing with grief. Nonetheless, when a parent is trying to support an adult child, the process ushers in an entirely different dynamic. Helping your adult child cope with grief can be—at the very least—a challenging path to navigate.

When our kids were young, as parents, we frequently had the power to make life better. A cuddle, a kiss, and sometimes a cookie were the things we could use to fix many childhood griefs. But as our kids grew, so did the hard things they had to face.

Challenges when adult children cope with grief

The first obstacle we encounter when we’re helping an adult child cope with grief is the fact that the child is now an adult. It’s not uncommon for adult children to resent a parent. They can feel like we’re trying to reassert the parent child dynamic, as we did when they were growing up. Our adult children want to feel our respect, especially when they’re struggling.

Next, there is the truth that coping with loss doesn’t always bring out the best in any of us. A parent is often a safe person for a child—even an adult child—to lash out at. We must be prepared to give lots of grace and listen to what isn’t always said.

In some ways, the fact that we’re the ones on the receiving end of difficult emotions is confirmation that our child trusts us. Being the recipient of our child’s anger isn’t fun, but when we remember the underlying message that they know we love them no matter what, we can overlook the momentary hurt.

Finally, there’s the fact of our own emotional state. Often the grief our child is experiencing is the same grief we’re trying to cope with as well. We don’t want to ignore our own hurt, instead, we want to balance what we’re feeling with how we’re trying to help our kids. Often sharing how much we’re hurting too, is a helpful connection point.

I’m a fixer by nature. It’s something I fight—sometimes more successfully than others. I have a hard time stepping back and letting God be God in situations that are stressful. That’s been especially true as I’ve walked through some grieving times with our adult kids.

Remembering a few key truths about loss have kept me from making a difficult situation worse.

1. Reminding myself that everyone grieves differently. I tend to be private in my most intense times of grief. I’m not comfortable sharing my tears with others. But there are others in our family who take great comfort in sharing their grief. Neither process is wrong, but it’s so important that we don’t impose our own needs on each other. I can cry in private, and I can still support my children as they grieve in a more public way.
2. Reminding myself that there is nothing I can do. I hate feeling powerless. I want to take away the pain of those close to me, but the fact is—I can’t. The help I can give is not tied to fixing something. My role is to be present and share the grief journey.
3. Grief is a messy process. There are some stages of grief that are common to most seasons of loss. Notice the word here is stages, not steps. These stages can come in any order and often appear more than once. I used to think of the process as steps and that completely derailed my own grief journey. Steps imply order. There is nothing orderly about grief.
4. Clichés are rarely helpful, and they may actually be hurtful. This isn’t the time to share trite phrases or shallow platitudes. I’ve often found myself coping with my child’s hurting heart after someone else has shared one of the pat phrases commonly used when someone is grieving.

In spite of feeling powerless, there are things we can do to support them.

Powerful ways you can give support

In spite of feeling powerless, there are things we can do that make a difference and help them through this challenging time.

1. Pray. We must remember that whether we feel like it or not, prayer is the most powerful thing we can do. We can pray for our adult child specifically throughout the grief journey. I ask Him to relieve our suffering, while allowing the good memories to remain. It’s important to seek His guidance to prevent bitterness and to stay connected to Him. I pray for God to reveal specific ways in which I can help lighten the burdens my children are carrying. I ask Him to surround us with a supportive community of people who can provide the necessary encouragement. I invite His intervention to shield our hearts and minds from guilt and regret.
2. Be present. Walking into a loss situation can be uncomfortable. But helping is easier when we make sure we show up. Those who are grieving are more likely to accept help from someone who is right there, instead of reaching out to someone who has offered help.
3. Keep asking. “Just give me call and let me know what you need.” Isn’t always enough. Follow that offer up frequently with specifics. If the person wants space, use the phone to call and text. Don’t give up, sometimes the fact that they don’t feel forgotten is as helpful as anything we do.
4. Be silent. Although this seems like the opposite of number three above, it’s really not. We often forget that one part of supporting someone through loss means being quiet. The Bible verse that comes to my mind is Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Many times the best thing we can do is be quiet.
5. Be practical. When I’ve walked through times of grief with our kids I’ve had to fight the urge to utter life-changing advice. Sometimes the most helpful things are the practical ones—organizing meals and transportation, providing help with correspondence and managing calls and text messages. Leave the wisdom of the ages for another time.
6. Listen. When your adult child is grieving, they may want to process out loud. Talking about memories is often helpful. Sharing your own memories can also be a good thing.
7. Be forgiving. As I said, grief can bring out ugly emotions. It’s up to us to let our adult children have a safe place to vent.
8. Be non-judgmental. Sometimes these seasons of grief cause guilt—because the loss isn’t judged big enough to justify grief. This judgement can come from a circle of friends, but more often it comes from the person experiencing the loss. Grief can come for lots of reasons and in lots of circumstances. One of the things I’ve learned is not to judge the situations that cause others grief. I’ve walked through seasons of loss because of a pet, a move, a job loss, a destroyed friendship, as well as the grief that comes when I’ve lost someone close. We can reassure the one grieving that we don’t always get to pick and choose the things that hurt us.

The single best thing I’ve found when helping an adult child cope with grief is to wrap my arms around my child, cry alongside, admit I don’t have the answer, but commit to walking the road of grief together.

The post How To Help Your Adult Child Cope With Grief appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

“I came here feeling hopeless, broken-hearted, with no emotion,” said Scott, a participant in a Focus on the Family Hope Restored marriage intensive retreat. “I felt this was our last chance to heal our marriage. The presence of God in the room was truly felt. It was amazing to feel the love of God come back into our lives and those around us. I’m looking forward to returning home a changed man, loving and caring for myself and my wife. I am departing with my most heartfelt emotion — I love my wife.”

This is just one true story of a restored marriage — you’ll find many more at Hope Restored. Why? Because God is a God who restores. The Bible is filled with stories of restoration. It’s also the story of restoration, of God bringing His children back into relationship with himself (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). 

God says, “I will restore them because of My compassion” (Zechariah 10:6) and “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten” (Joel 2:25). 

If your marriage is in trouble, you can cry out to God with prayers for marriage restoration. As you pray for God to restore your marriage, you’re praying for Him to fulfill the full meaning of the words restoration and restore. You’re asking Him to give life to your marriage, to rebuild, heal, cure, renew, transform, mend, and perfect it.

Prayers for marriage restoration

The following prayers relate to several traits of successful marriages.

Based on research, Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley of Focus on the Family have discovered 10 essential traits of healthy marriages. 

One of the 10 traits is understanding that marriage is a lifelong commitment, created by God and meant to be permanent. Data collected in a Focus on the Family marriage study showed that couples who prioritized lifelong commitment outperformed couples in other areas of marriage health as well.

How do you stay married when you’re struggling? First, don’t give up! 

According to Scott Stanley, the co-director of the Center for Marital & Family Studies at the University of Denver, deciding to stay committed is foundational to your relationship. From that foundation, you can go on to restore communication, connection, and intimacy.

Prayer 1: Restore our lifelong commitment

“Lord Jesus, we feel like giving up. We know you honor marriage, but we are both hurting and frustrated, and we just don’t know the answers to our problems. God, even though we don’t know what to do, remind us to keep our eyes on You (2 Chronicles 20:11-13).

“Renew our commitment to each other and to You. Help us abandon the ‘divorce’ word and take the next step toward healing in our marriage, even if we’ve taken many steps that have led nowhere. 

“Oh Lord, we desperately need You to restore our broken relationship. Reveal to us what needs healing in our relationship, what needs healing in each of our hearts. Help us remember our wedding vows, because you’ve joined us together and do not want us to separate (Matthew 19:6).

“We ask You to protect us from Satan’s attacks on our commitment and marriage. Keep our focus on You and not the world that tells us to take the ‘easy way’ out. We know that nothing’s impossible with You (Luke 1:37). As we seek Your face, show us the way forward. Increase our faith in You and Your power to restore.”

“Our home felt like World War Three. We came broken, nervous, skeptical, but this past week has truly been an amazing journey. Our marriage has transformed in the past four days. The closeness we feel with each other now, we have never felt before.”

— Kiera and Daniel, Hope Restored Participants

Prayer 2: Restore our communication and connection

“God, we’ve said hurtful things and have injured each other. It seems so easy to argue and find fault, and now we’ve grown distant from each other. We can’t seem to agree, and we’ve spent a lot of time treating each other as the enemy. 

“Don’t let us fall into Satan’s trap. Satan doesn’t want us to communicate at a deep level. He doesn’t want us to understand each other and be emotionally open with each other. 

“God, please show us how to love each other — to forgive, to give grace, to be humble. We know it’s the right way, but it’s so hard to do. Remind us that our goal is to understand each other, not be the one who is ‘right.’ Slow down our speech and our tempers, so we can really hear each other (James 1:19). Help us see that we are both broken and need Your healing touch. 

“Oh God, we need You to guide us step by step when we talk, so we treat each other with gentleness and patience (Ephesians 4:2-3). Point out our pride and selfishness where necessary. Please reveal any logs we need to take out of our own eyes so we can be unified (Matthew 7:5). Direct us to helpful teaching and counsel so we can learn to manage our conflicts well. We believe You can do all things, so we offer our prayers for marriage restoration.

“God, thank you that You are a God of communication and connection. Open our ears so we hear You! Speak Lord, for your servants are listening (1 Samuel 3:10).” 

“We attended the intensive in Branson. It was life changing. I was convinced that nothing could change what was going on in our marriage … We are on a much different course now, and I believe we received a miracle …”

— Jeff, Hope Restored Participant

Prayer 3: Restore our intimacy

“Dear God, You want husbands and wives to be close in every way — physically, emotionally, sexually. But we feel so far apart from each other, like we’re strangers. We want to trust each other and feel safe with each other, but we don’t. 

“Please give us the wisdom and courage to deal with any obstacles to our intimacy so we can truly be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Reveal those obstacles, whether they’re sin or temptation, issues with past relationships or trauma, anger or unforgiveness, lies of the Enemy, or wrong expectations of each other.

“Lord, we need to take the walls down between us. Replace our fear of being real with each other with courage to share how we really are, what our true fears and dreams are. 

“You know both of us intimately, all of our faults and weaknesses, and yet You accepted us as we were and loved us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). You don’t reject us, so show us how to be like You — to accept each other and not reject each other. Help us be patient, knowing that rebuilding trust and growing in intimacy takes time.” 

“When we arrived at the Focus on the Family Retreat Center, we had been separated for two and a half months. We had been to four different marriage counselors on and off for 15 years. My husband had told me that he had little hope and that if God didn’t do something big it would be time for ‘formal separation.’ I am thrilled to say that we both have hope and now have some great tools to start operating in a ‘safe place’ with each other.”

— Hope Restored Participant

Prayer 4: Restore our hope for a better marriage

“Father, Your Word reminds us that You are the God of hope (Romans 15:13)! Fill us with Your hope as we lift these prayers for marriage restoration to You. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Almighty God, the God who is Faithful and True. Nothing is too hard for You (Genesis 18:14). Lord, we ask You to renew our hope for our marriage as we read aloud the words of Lamentations 3:21-24.”

“But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

Please note that if you are in an abusive marriage relationship, you need immediate help from professionals. Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. But God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence or coercive control. Emotional abuse can also bruise or severely harm a person’s heart, mind and soul. If you are in an abusive relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org.

The post 4 Healing Prayers for Marriage Restoration appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Today’s Scripture

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you” (Philippians 1:3, ESV).

Today’s Devotion

My dad was angry! All he wanted to do was sit down and watch the game. What else are you supposed to do on Thanksgiving Day?

My mom had other ideas. She was working in the kitchen and needed his help. The discussion ended in a huff, and he stormed out of the kitchen, into his office, and then shut the door loudly enough to let everyone know he was displeased.

Happy Thanksgiving?

I gave him a few minutes to cool down and then knocked on his door. “Who’s there,” he asked in a gruff-sounding voice. “It’s Greg,” I answered. His only reply was “Ugh.” (Love you too, Dad.) I walked in his office and found him reading a document on his computer. I peeked over his shoulder to see it was some sort of list. “What’s this,” I asked.

The gratitude list that changed everything

His answer left a lasting impression. “Over the years, I’ve kept a list of things I cherish about your mother,” he said. “I add to it from time to time. And when I’m upset with something she said or did, I read the list to remind myself that she is a wonderful gift from God and that I am truly blessed.” Talk about gratitude!

I don’t remember the outcome of the football game on TV. I don’t remember the dinner table discussion. But I will always remember Dad’s list.

Gratitude List: A new holiday tradition

I’ve started a similar gratitude list about Erin and what I absolutely love about her. And just like my dad did, I read it from time to time.. When I do, I’m reminded of Philippians 1:3, “I thank my God in all my remembrance of you” (ESV).

Marriage isn’t easy. The holidays are stressful. It’s easy to forget that your spouse is a gift. So, this Thanksgiving, start a new tradition:

• Write a list of all the things you cherish about your spouse.
• Add to it often.
• Read it often.

And when you do, say a prayer of gratitude for your spouse and the blessings they bring to your life.

Today’s Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the wonderful gift of a spouse! May you bless our relationship and help us grow deeper in love. Amen.

The post A List That Turns Thanksgiving from Tension to Gratitude appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Today’s Scripture

“For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13, AMP).

Today’s Devotion

How bad can the holidays get? A couple of years ago, the Washington Post carried a story about a Portland, Oregon family’s Thanksgiving Day disaster.

Diane Harlan was getting ready to carve the turkey when she noticed something unusual. The freshly-cooked bird seemed to have grown a long, fuzzy tail that waved back and forth. The family cat had discovered a warm, yummy-smelling hiding place and was in no hurry to leave. (In case you’re wondering, it was fine. The turkey, however, was a total loss.)

Pizza, anyone?

Give Thanks in All Circumstances. Really?

If you think that giving thanks in all circumstances means pasting on a grin when you really want to explode (or when the cat destroys your Thanksgiving dinner), then you’re missing something very important. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says: “Give thanks in all circumstances” (ESV). In, not for. There’s a big difference between those two words. Understanding that difference may just help you stay thankful when the holiday falls apart.

Staying Thankful When the Holiday Falls Apart

You may always not feel thankful when relatives plop down at the dinner table and rehash their politics and complaints while eating turkey and stuffing. But you can be thankful that God gives you grace when you need it most. Keep Philippians 2:13 in mind this season: “For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure” (AMP).

God is at work in you, in your spouse, in your marriage, and in your family.

He sees your faithful efforts.

He values you.

He loves you.

He never gives up on you.

For that—you can truly be grateful.

THIS WEEK’S GRATITUDE CHALLENGE

• Read Philippians 2:13 every day this week to remind yourself that God is at work in you and is giving you strength.
• Take one minute each day to pray about the upcoming week and for the people who will be at dinner.
• Sit down with your spouse this week and ask them to help you plan Thanksgiving dinner and get the house ready for guests.

Today’s Prayer

Heavenly Father, we place the upcoming holiday in your hands and ask for your grace. Please make our home a place where peace and gratitude can be found in abundance. Amen.

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“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children,” Deuteronomy 4:9.

Back in the 90s, as my grandchildren would say, families had more extended time together. They were able to eat Sunday lunch together, attended the same church, never miss a basketball, football game, or soccer game, or dance recital.

These days are different. Many families live on different sides of the country and struggle to see one another even once a year. Holidays are few and far between and the time together is short. The children feel like Grandma and Grandpa are just two old people who live very far away and they rarely see.

 But grandparents feel very differently about that. They miss their grandchildren when they don’t get to see them and long to be involved in their lives. Grandparents want the next generation of their families to know who they are. We don’t want “Mimi” and “Pops” to be just names spoken in their homes occasionally.

If you are one of those families who are separated by long distances, what can you do about it? Thanks to technology, we can keep in touch more than ever before. Here are a few suggestions to stay close during times of separation.

Bridge the gap: long-distance grandparenting tips

Set a time to communicate. Set a time every week to chat. This could be by telephone, by facetime on your phone, or by computer video. The grandchildren will love seeing your faces and you will love to see them as they grow.

Occasionally, read them a bedtime story. Arrange with the parent to call right at bedtime and choose one of their favorite books. Read it to them and concentrate on animating your reading.

Have a talent show. Give them several weeks to get their acts ready. Decide whether the rules will allow more than one grandchild to work together on one act or not. Perhaps you can let each family do one act.

Even though it is a bit old-fashioned, grandchildren love to get mail from the grandparents. Put a little surprise in a card letting them know how much you love them. Small coloring books, colored pencils, a small craft kit or even just a dollar are fun surprises for your grandchildren. Make sure the surprises are age appropriate. Once your grandchildren are older, they would probably prefer money so they can buy gas or food after school. (You might want to adjust the amount as a dollar won’t buy much gas!)

Create memories from afar: long-distance grandparenting strategies

Play a game of Bingo. Print Bingo cards and either mail them or send them by email to everyone in the family. Tell them ahead of time so parents can explain how the game works. Make sure you have enough pennies, kernels of corn, small pieces of paper or whatever you will use to cover your numbers. That will give everyone a fair start to the game.

Have a fashion show. Good materials to use for the fashion show are toilet paper, duct tape, leaves, or napkins. The costume must be made totally of the one material that is chosen for the show. Do not tell what the costume will be used for. Let the guessing be part of the show.

Eat supper together. Plan a time when each family will be eating supper together. Coordinate your times and plan to eat with the phone or computer on the table. That way you can have dinner table conversation as well as having a social time together.

When you’re nearby

If you are lucky enough, as we are, to have your children and grandchildren live close by, here are a few things you can do to grow your relationship with your grandchildren.

Have them come visit often at your house. That may happen in a form when you pick them up at school and help with homework or a weekend spend the night party. You don’t have to plan lots of adventures or excursions. Just let them enjoy being together.

Occasionally invite them to a movie, to play putt putt, go to a play, or visit a museum.

Always put their school programs, sports matches, and social events on your calendar. You will not be able to attend every one but you can call and wish them good luck and let them know you wish you could be there. If possible have their parents video the action and send it to you. Then you can see the important part and talk with your grandchild about how well they did.

When they are sick, drop a package of popsicles by their house. At our house we call them “magic” popsicles because popsicles always make you feel better. If your children can’t eat popsicles, make a get well package from the dollar store which will give them something new to do while they are recuperating.

If you are welcome at your grandchild’s school, go eat lunch with them once or twice a year.

Shopping trips

When your grandchildren have a big event or trip coming up, take them shopping and buy something they will need on their trip. If they have everything they need, slip them a little extra money in case they need to buy a snack or want to buy a t-shirt.

Back to school in the fall is a great time to take them shopping and buy a new outfit for the first day of school. Even if you don’t live nearby, you can find out sizes from their mother and send them a new outfit or some new shoes they want in the mail.

Be the substitute carpool pick up person. It’s amazing how much grandchildren and children talk when they get in the car after school. It’s great to hear what they have to say about their day, their friends, and their teachers. Sometimes they even talk about their problems and you have an opportunity to pour your wisdom into them and guide them about the things God has taught you. If you pick them up, be sure to bring a snack basket or offer to take them for their favorite fast food snack.

Often I hear my friends say, “Well, if it wasn’t for my grandmother’s prayers, I’d probably have been in a lot of a trouble.” That is true for many of us. We know that our grandmothers prayed for us regularly.

It’s not just the prayers that make the difference although praying is the best thing you can do for your grandchildren. The little things we have talked about make a huge difference in your relationship with your grandchildren. They learn you care about them and about making your relationships strong. They know you are interested in their activities when you attend them or call to find out how everything went.

No matter how you do it, keep your relationship strong with every grandchild you have. You’ll never regret it. And, if you have a friend who left grandchildren behind when she passed away, take time to include him or her every now and then on one of your outings. You’ll be doubly blessed!

The post Successful Grandparenting Can Happen Long-Distance appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Family life can be crazy, comfortable, and yes, even complicated. I’m flooded with memories of my own life—and all of these words apply. My nuclear family during my growing-up years was all of those things, but we had the added experience of also being an adoptive family. I was in foster care, my sister was in an orphanage, and my parents were walking out an infertility journey. The cry of all of our hearts was to have a family and create connections with that family. God answered those prayers for all of us through the gift of adoption.

I use the term gift intentionally—as God met our needs and our desires by taking what felt broken and making it beautiful. Beautiful—but not perfect, and not always easy. We had all the typical issues a family can face: Time and money, in-laws and outlaws, but many times those of us who are in adoptive or foster homes have the added circumstances of working through real trauma, real loss, and the true spiritual attacks of feeling abandoned, rejected, or disconnected.

Creating Connection Through Correction

To be completely honest, the correcting part, even when completely necessary, was (and is) super hard for my world-weary heart to receive without a true and deep connection. There is a safety in a heart connection that allows the sting of critique to abate without causing a wound. I recognize that everyone’s stories, personalities, and experiences are intensely personal. Recognizing my unique spiritual and emotional makeup, I realize that many of the spiritual areas that continue to challenge me as an adult are rooted in my childhood beginnings. I have times even now when I fear a break in connection and relationship in ways that others may not be able to comprehend. This is underlined as I watch my kids walk through their challenges.

Now, as a mother to many—to-heart babies and belly babies—I am experiencing these dynamics in real time from the perspective of the mom. The tensions I understandably felt, but didn’t really understand in my youth, are now being revealed to me as our kids navigate their own stories. This was profoundly underlined for me when my own dear momma was called home to Jesus a few years ago. Relationship, connection—it is supernatural, it is spiritual, and it needs to be nurtured. It is eye-opening to watch my own kids dealing with and healing from their own lived experience, and finding joy. I can see it now from my own lived experience as a fostered/adopted child, and now I can view it from the parental position.

Creating Connection in a Forever Family

One of the areas of analytical and emotional review for me as a mother has been how to manage the need to correct, with the calling to connect. Connection was what my own soul longed for as a child, and by the grace of God, I found this in my forever family.

“Forever Family” had been a term that I thought absolutely must endure forever. It is the goal, absolutely. But it is not a given. Many of the children we love who come from hard places may have a hard time receiving love or showing love. Some of their hearts were wounded at tender ages and stages. However, God’s grace and goodness desires to show these kids, our kids, or maybe even our own broken selves how very much He loves us and desires a relationship with us. He wants us to share the fact that He chose us when He sent His Son to die—for you, for me, for the children in our care.

Early into our second journey as adoptive parents, my husband and I were given a copy of Dr. Karyn Purvis’ Book, The Connected Child. Anyone walking into a foster or adoptive relationship would be blessed to read her words of encouragement, instruction, and wisdom that Dr. Purvis shares throughout this particular book, but truly throughout her life’s legacy.

Boundaries and Creating Connection

In any parent/ child relationship, there will exist the need to correct and the need to cleave. Young children find their boundaries and their safety points by knowing that their parental figures will show them love and care through safe boundaries. Older children may bump up against these boundaries, but they know through consistency and care that it is for their own good – whether or not they appreciate it, or agree. Kiddos who have experienced trauma and loss will need more connection, more trust-building, and more grace.

Consistency in Correction

It’s worth noting that the consistency of correction will build bridges, safety, and relationships, but only if it is tempered with connection. This is good. This is biblical; however, it will not happen without intentional effort. The first commandment with a promise is found in Ephesians 6:1, which says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother.” This is true and good. But this command is well-coupled with the reminder that Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (NKJV). Correct, but connect.

When we take the whole counsel of God and use that as our standard in parenting, we leverage the truth of His Word. When we follow God’s biblical counsel, we position ourselves as parents to be able to “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, KJV).

Because isn’t that the ultimate win—connection with the ability to correct, which allows true relationships to blossom. “Kids don’t care how much we know, until they know how much we care.” I first heard this quote from a professor while I was working on my Master’s degree in early childhood education years ago. It is a profound truth, supported by scripture and underlined by lived experience. I don’t know about you, but I now have an immediate need to go hug my daddy, my husband, and my kids. Family is precious, no matter how that family is built. God is still in the business of writing redemptive stories. Families like ours are living examples of God’s heart for all His children, including ours.

The post Creating Connections While Correcting in Foster & Adoptive Families appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Do you recall those first tender moments after your child arrived?

Holding his vulnerable frame against your proud chest. Caressing her soft skin and breathing in the fresh scent of baby powder. Some of a parent’s most cherished memories come from those early days when a helpless infant did nothing but bask in Mom and Dad’s nurturing love. You look forward to every moment of life, watching her learn and grow, and putting God first.

Fast-forward a few years. The baby powder smell is gone. And, under normal circumstances, our expectations have changed. We continue loving the child without condition. But we want them to do more than receive our love. We also want them to give theirs.

Like a helpless infant, we can do nothing to earn God’s favor. But that doesn’t mean we limit ourselves to passively basking in His tender, loving care. Like every good parent, God expects His children to grow up.

That’s why Jesus, when asked to identify God’s greatest commandment, quoted an ancient Hebrew text: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30).

On a different occasion, He connected the dots between loving and doing when He said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15).

Growing in faith

Helping our children grow in their faith includes instilling habits of obedience that demonstrate mature love. Those habits include:

Faith@home routines

Our natural tendency is to neglect those practices that keep our relationship with God at the forefront of our hearts and minds. That’s why it is important to implement faith routines at home. Take children to worship services regularly. Pray with them before bed. Give each child an age-appropriate Bible to start him reading God’s Word. At dinner let each child describe the “high” and “low” moments of the day, then help her give thanks or seek guidance for those things. In short, make the idea of putting God first highly practical.

Love@home habits

Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). Our children learn what it means to put God first when they learn to put others before themselves. Set and enforce rules about speaking to one another with respect and treating one another with care. Encourage children to look for opportunities to selflessly meet the needs of others.

You can use the activities and conversations listed below to help your children understand what it means to truly love God.

And as you teach this important truth, remember the power of your example. More than anything, your children need to see you loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

—Kurt Bruner

Key points

• God wants us to receive His love and love Him in return.
• We demonstrate our love through obedience.
• Jesus commanded us to love one another.

Family memory verse

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30).

Scripture study

For a more in-depth look at putting God first, read these Bible passages:

• Exodus 20:1-3
• Deuteronomy 6:4-5
• Mark 12:28-33
• 1 John 3:11-23

Activities for learning how to put God first

Preschool activity

With your preschooler, gather five of the child’s stuffed animals and dolls. Ask, “Which is your favorite animal or doll?” Have her set that toy down in front of her. Ask, “Which is your next favorite animal or doll?” Show her how to put this second choice behind the first.

Continue in this way, creating a line of toys, one behind the other.

When she’s finished lining up the toys, ask your child to point to her favorite. “Why do you like this animal (you could use its name if desired) best?”

Affirm that we all have favorites, with our toys, and with people, too. Now place something tangible that your child equates with God, such as her toddler Bible, in front of the most favored toy.

Explain that when we love God, we want to always put Him first in everything. That’s how we show God that we love Him. You might make this explanation more vivid by hugging the Bible, then hugging your child. Ask your child to follow your example by hugging her Bible, then each of her toys, starting with her favorite.

Finish by saying together, “We love God first!”

—Karen Schmidt

School-age activity

When we’re not deliberate about putting God first in daily life, spiritual matters tend to be crowded out.

To prepare a visual to illustrate this point, put three golf balls in the bottom of a canning jar. Add rice, dried beans or field corn to fill the jar. Make sure the lid will close.

Dump the contents of the jar into a large bowl, and gather the children around. Explain that the jar represents their day and all the activities that fill it. Have the children start to add the rice, corn or beans into the jar while naming activities or responsibilities that occur in a typical day.

For instance, a small handful of beans may represent brushing teeth; adding another fistful is equated with making the bed. Continue filling the jar to represent activities or chores, such as watching television, playing video games or feeding the family pet.

After all of the smaller objects are added, try putting the golf balls in the jar. Describe that the balls represent Bible story time, praying to God and showing love to others. The children will see that the three balls will not fit neatly, and the lid cannot be secured.

Now, dump all the contents of the jar back into the bowl. Start with the three balls first, restating that they represent Bible time, praying and showing love to others.

Then have the children add all of the smaller items, equating each fistful with activities in their day.

When everything is added back in the jar, put the lid on. Explain to the children that when we put God first in our lives, everything else fits.

—Sue Heimer

Tween activity

Experience a fun, faith discussion of Mark 12:30 with your tweens using this activity.

Gather your kids and give everyone a pencil and several 3×5 cards. Read aloud Mark 12:30.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

Then ask your tweens to brainstorm “What if?/Would you rather?/What do you think?” questions inspired by this Bible verse. Encourage your family to be creative, to have fun and to put each question on a separate card. When everyone is ready, shuffle the cards and take turns discussing your questions.

Here are some sample questions to get everyone started:

• What if awards were to be given to anyone who lived Mark 12:30 at school tomorrow—what would you do?
• What if April 25 were designated as Love the Lord Day? Which kinds of things could you do? Would you behave differently?
• Would you rather get a phone call or love letter from God each day? Why?
• Would you rather try to obey God by yourself or work as part of a group to encourage each other in obeying God? Why?
• What do you think makes God so special that He deserves all of our love?

—Mike Nappa

Talk with your teen

When it comes to encouraging spiritual growth in teens, measurable milestones are often difficult to define. The easiest way to help them grow in their faith is by modeling the connection between loving and doing.

Although teens are adept at recognizing hypocrisy, they’re also perceptive about authenticity. As a parent, you can use this sensitivity to discuss the connection between loving God and showing love to others.

1. What would be strange about a healthy teenager acting like a toddler?
2. What’s wrong with a Christian teenager quoting the Bible and not living according to its godly principles?
3. Why do parents want their teens to mature socially and spiritually?
4. One way to show spiritual maturity is through the way you love others. How would you feel if friends said they loved you but never wanted to do anything with you?
5. How did God demonstrate His love for you (John 3:16)? Since God gave His only Son, how do you think He expects us to demonstrate our love for Him and for others?
6. Read 1 Thessalonians 1:3 together. Paul applauds “work produced by faith” and “labor prompted by love.” What have I done for the family that reflects my faith or demonstrates my love? If your teens recognize actions that showed God wasn’t first in your life, humbly apologize and then pray together for God’s love to be evidenced in your relationships with others.
7. Tell your teens about something they’ve recently done that demonstrated their love for God. What else could we do for friends or family that would model the connection between loving and doing?

—Pam Woody

Dinner talk

Appetizer: Did you know that ketchup and cheese are the most favored hamburger toppings? What do you like on your hamburger? Why?

Main Course: Have you heard the fast-food restaurant slogan “Have it your way?” What does it mean to you? Why do customers like having choices? Did you know that in the Bible there are stories of men who told God, “Have it Your way”?

Table Talk

• How did Noah let God “have it His way” when it came to building the ark? Could a canoe have done the job? Why? (See Genesis 6:14-22.)
• How did Moses let God “have it His way” when he went before Pharoah? What was the result? (See Exodus 7:1-6.)
• How did Joshua let God “have it His way” when he marched around Jericho? Did it make sense at the time? Why or why not? What did God prove? (See Joshua 6:1-20.)
• What are some ways you can let God “have it His way” in your life today?

—Adapted from Mealtime Moments by Crystal Bowman and Tricia Goyer, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers

The post Putting God First appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Love languages and your teen help parents know how to share your love for your teenager in a way they receive.

“On a 0-to-10 scale, how much do your parents love you?” That was the question posed to 13-year-old Mark. Without batting an eye, he answered, “Ten.”

When asked how he knew they loved him that much, he said, “By the way they treat me. Dad is always bumping me when he walks by, and we wrestle on the floor, and Mom’s always hugging and kissing me.” Mark feels loved by his parents’ warm, caring touches, revealing that his primary love language is physical touch.

After more than 20 years of marriage and family counseling, I am convinced there are only five basic languages of love. Of these five, each teen has a primary love language, one that speaks more loudly and deeply to him or her. If a parent fails to speak this language adequately, the teen will not feel loved, regardless of other expressions of love.

Visualize that inside every teen is an emotional love tank. When the teen’s love tank is full — that is, she genuinely feels loved by her parents — the teen can make her way through adolescence with minimal trauma. But when the teen’s love tank is empty, she will grapple with many internal struggles and will typically look for love in all the wrong places. Therefore, discerning your teen’s love language is essential.

Here is a brief description of each of the five love languages.

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Physical touch

Hugs, kisses and tender touches are given in abundance when a child is young. However, some parents feel more awkward about touching as their child enters adolescence. If a teen’s primary love language is physical touch, those appropriate touches are no less important during the teen years than they were in the earlier years.

Words of affirmation

Using words to encourage and affirm is at the heart of this language. When a toddler is learning to walk, we stand just two feet away and say, “That’s right! Come on; you can do it.” And when that toddler falls, we encourage her to get up and try again. Why do we forget the power of affirming words when kids become teens?

When 14-year-old Melissa broke her arm, words of affirmation gave her the assurance she needed. “I know that my parents love me because while I was having such a hard time keeping up with my school work, they encouraged me. They said they were proud that I was trying so hard.”

Quality time

This love language involves giving your teen undivided attention. For some teens, regardless of what you’re doing together, nothing is more important than when a parent gives focused attention.

Mindy’s primary love language is quality time, and at 17 she still feels secure in her parents’ love. “They are always there for me,” Mindy says. “I can discuss anything with them. I know they will be understanding and try to help me make wise decisions. I enjoy doing things with them, and I am going to miss them when I go to college.”

Giving and receiving gifts

Some parents speak this language almost exclusively and are often shocked to find that their teen does not feel loved. Although gift giving is not the love language of all teens, gifts speak loudly for many.

When asked how she knew her parents loved her, Michelle, 15, pointed to her blouse, skirt and shoes. She said, “Everything I have, they gave me. In my mind, that’s love. Because they have given me far more than I need, I share things with my friends.” Michelle not only feels loved from receiving gifts, but she also expresses love to others by giving gifts.

Acts of service

Parents are continually doing actions designed to assist their kids, but if these acts of service are to be expressions of love, they must be done with a positive, caring attitude.

Brady, 13, lives with his mother and brother. It’s apparent that Brady’s primary love language is acts of service when he says, “I know my mom loves me because she sews the buttons on my shirt when they fall off and she also helps me with my homework. She works hard so we can have food and clothes.”

Few things are more important for parents than discovering and speaking their teen’s primary love language. The teen needs to receive love in all five languages, but focusing on the primary love language will fill the love tank much faster and more effectively. Consider your teen’s love language. If his language is not obvious, my online assessment quiz may help you.

We love God because He first loved us. The same principle is true in human relationships. Our children are far more likely to love us, and others, if we have effectively communicated love to them.

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